Wit 'n' wisdom - 27 March 2012

W’N’W behemoth Dr Andrew MacDonald of Cooks Hill, NSW, is back again with three of the best.

His patient’s opening salve was: “I can’t work, Doc. I’ve lost my memory. I think I should be on a pension. I did a test on myself at home and hid something from myself. It took me five hours to find it again.”

Quick as ever, Dr Mac replied: “There’s only one snag – you’ve remembered all about it for long enough to tell me.”

As part of a pre-work medical, Dr Mac asks patients to “duckwalk” as a test for their ankles, knees, hips and balance. Too many groans or a fall and they’re out. Asked first if he knew what to do, one confident recruit replied “yeah, mate” and proceeded to walk pigeon-toed across the room. Ducks, pigeons – he was on the right track.

Finally, a patient recently whiplashed her neck on her way to work when hit from behind at a red light. Her husband explained: “It’s interfering with her work for me – she can’t lift or do the filing, although she can still do her own work.”

“What’s that?”

“She’s a clairvoyant.”

Well, she didn’t see this one coming...

Dr Saifun Panna of Croydon, Vic, comes from a non-English speaking background, which sometimes makes his consultations amusing. He was seeing a young bloke with a neglected case of cellulitis on his left foot and wanted him to come back in the next couple of days for review. 

“I want to see you again in two days’ time with your foot,” said Dr Panna.

With a wink, the patient answered: “No worries, Doc. I promise I’ll come back to see you with both my feet.”

Even with patients from his own background, the words occasionally get twisted. When a young Indian girl came along with her husband for a Pap smear, Dr Panna asked how long she’d been sexually active. She quickly replied: “Never.” 

Confused, he asked: “How come you’re a married girl and not having sex?”

“You have me wrong, Doctor,” she said. “You see, we have sex, but I’m not active, only my husband is.”

Dr Hema Iyer of Bundoora, Vic, muses how people now expect their GP to be a lifesaver in a more modern sense.

One very stylish lady in her 50s came in distressed that she had put on a few kilos and she could not afford a new wardrobe. Dr Iyer was summoned to save her some money by helping her to fit into her expensive kit again.

Another patient, a man in his 20s, came in wanting to win back his girlfriend. 

As Dr Iyer is a female GP with medical training in psychology, it seemed a very reasonable request to the patient.

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